Over the summer, my psychiatrist moved away. While sad to see her go, and a little worried for myself, I was confident that this was a ‘sign’, and that this marked my turn towards recovery. Up until that point, we had been meeting less and less, and were planning to end scheduled appointments altogether as I was doing well. In fact, it was the perfect time for something like this to happen!

Over the summer, I was fine. I was busy with socialising and pre-emptive revision for my second year of college. However, September hit and the spiralling hit even harder. Suicidal thoughts and destructive behaviours controlled me when I was left to my own thoughts, and I felt myself slipping into old thinking habits. Did I talk to anyone about this? No. Remember, I was better! I didn’t need this sort of help!

Once my deteriorating mental health began to be more obvious, my mother gently suggested looking for a new psychiatrist. Looking back, my reaction was over the top- I was furious. I shouted, cried, and shut myself way. Good job proving you didn’t need a psychiatrist!

As a good mother (one that frankly goes under appreciated- I love you mum), she booked an appointment with a new psychiatrist. She scheduled it carefully, ensuring that it was convenient and easy for me to get to. Did I go? No. Did I tell anyone I didn’t go? No. I feigned forgetfulness when my mum approached me with a text from this new woman saying that I never turned up.

I had wasted this woman’s time. I decided to get in contact with her and explained my feelings- going to see a her would be an admittance that I was failing in my recovery.

I finally went to see her two weeks ago, and it was great. I kicked myself that I hadn’t gone to my first appointment. I realised that knowing one of my resources- my old psychiatrist- was suddenly unavailable to me, caused a downward spiral which I fiercely denied, making me spiral further and further down.

I am glad I have a new psychiatrist. I was meant to contact her with my availability yesterday- but I did not. I will, eventually. Why am I putting it off? I have no idea. Better work it out with her.

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